Shem The Pen is a non-profit organization that will feature the work of myself: writer, musician, and entrepreneur Jeff Schneekloth. My writing career spans four decades (if we are to include my ghostwriting work as a toddler producing family greeting cards in the late-seventies) and its scope has included essays, fiction, songs, scripts, and general rants. This website will showcase my current work – we will initially focus on topics like Finnegans Wake, Woody Allen, and the vilification of bad writing around the web. I am currently at work on a novel about the Jersey Shore which will be released in late 2014.

But first we’ll take a quick look at some of my past writing. My work has often been praised for its sharp political prescience. Here’s an excerpt from a piece I wrote for The National Thinker in August 2001, entitled “Terrorism in the 21st Century: Why We Should Be Terrified.”

  • …Of course, my concerns are primarily based on the shockingly lax (no pun intended) security standards at our airports. Hypothetically, a cadre of terrorists could manage to find the means to capitalize on this weakness, perhaps even – and I’m only musing here, darkly – coordinating their affairs so that a series of hijackings could be perpetrated simultaneously. Far fetched though it may seem now in the late summer of 2001, an heinous attack such as this would be devasting if it were to target multiple landmarks. Again, this is only a hypothetical situation, and one in which I am quite alone in maintaining, but I have to reiterate…

Unfortunately, as my professional career was hitting new highs every day, my personal life was hitting new highs every day as well. That is to that I’d developed multiple addictions in the course of success. Fortunately, these issues did not alter the quality or character of my work. For example, here’s a piece I wrote for High Times magazine entitled “Myths of Addiction: Why Cocaine Should Legally Available Over The Counter” (Sept 2003).

  • …but the villainous anti-drug lobbyists don’t want this information available to the public. Instead they bombard us with propaganda about the supposed “dangers” of “drugs” like cocaine, which in reality is a useful, mind expanding tool that has been used by mankind for literally millions of years. I’ve been a semi-habitual recreational user of cocaine for nearly five years and I’ve shown no signs of any sort of “addiction” that these anti-drug zealots which for us to believe. I’ve found that several bumps in the morning are quite beneficial to my outlook on life, not to mention my driving skills…

This was a dark time in my life. I spent many months working on a piece for a conspiratorial website, Bars ‘n Shadows. The article itself had to be heavily edited for length, as my original manuscript was over two hundred thousand words and included personal missives on all sorts of public figures, including extensive rants on Donald Rumsfeld and Sammy Hagar. My relationship with the website ended in a bitter dispute over payments that was later thrown out of court when it was discovered that my lawyer was actually just slick talking bartender. But there still some interesting observations in the final piece, which was entitled “Gripping The Globe: How The Illuminati Secretly Controls The Whole World” (Feb 2004).

  • …symbols which we can even find in our everyday life. The iconic figure of Captain Crunch, for example, beloved for his wild smile and nutritious cereal, actually has a much darker past. Upon closer inspection, this character is actually a representation of his Illuminati brethren, and as always the clues to this more sinister identity are hidden in plain sight. If we are to count the tassels on the shoulder of his coat, we get the number five. As has been already established of Part Twelve of this piece, five is an important number for the global elite. According to my calculations, the tassels actually correspond to the number of major wars of the twentieth century, thereby proving that this “Captain” is actually serving the forces of our global elite. Moving down to the buttons on the jacket…

I took some time off after this tumultuous period, first spending ninety court-mandated days in a drug rehabilitation center after an unfortunate driving mishap resulted in an even more unfortunate physical altercation with a police officer. After my release, I was a changed man. I was able to approach the world with a clearer perspective, primarily due to my religious experiences.

It didn’t take long for my new spiritual awareness to influence my career. I took a staff position at Blinding Light Press, a small outfit specializing in Christian detective fiction. I wrote several Joshua Banks novels, a popular series featuring a protagonist whose investigations always followed familiar, divinely inspired paths. Here’s an excerpt from The Case Of The Missing Jewels: A Joshua Banks Novel:

“Who’s there?” Joshua shouted to the darkness.

He crept slowly forward on the creaking floor, his gun drawn and his brow wet with fear and the light rain he’d just encountered on his way to the mansion. He knew he was nearly out of time, especially after stopping to help those nuns fix a flat tire on the interstate. But it was the right thing to do, and the amount he charged them was fair and certainly competitive with the market.

Then a familiar voice sounded out from the corner of the room:

“It is I, Joshua.”

Joshua froze. Then he slowly let his gun down to his side. He somehow managed to evince a relieved sort of smile as he discerned its identity.

“Jesus? Is that you?”

“Yes, Joshua,” said Jesus, emerging from the shadows. “It was I who stole the necklace from Mrs Colebrook’s safe. And the money. And all her nightgowns and shoes.”

“It was you all along? But why, Jesus? Why?”

Jesus sighed. He was peering mournfully out the window into the cold rainy night. His expression spoke of a soul weary with the weight of the world. He produced a pack of cigarettes from his robe and tapped the package on his palm with a practiced rhythm.

“Because I need the money, Joshua. Lots of money. Well, I don’t. He does.” He motioned upward as he rolled his eyes. He’d lit his cigarette and now he flicked the spent match carelessly across the room.

Joshua could hardly breathe.

“You mean God?”

“No, the landlord from Bedford Street. Of course God. Who else do you think I mean? What, do you think I’d be working for some small time collection racket. We got problems up there, Jonathan, big problems.”

“It’s Joshua.”

“It’s a recession everywhere,” Jesus went on, ignoring him. “Been going on up there since the eighties. We’ve been doing the best we can, but it’s not enough. Those guys on late night public access are not pulling in the liquidity we need.”

That job didn’t last much longer. For I am an author, not a mercenary. I follow the muse, not the money. I am here to make a difference, to make this world a better place. We will look at more past writing in the future, but for now I will leave with some ad copy I wrote for a startup business that unfortunately failed to find a place in the market:

  • …Top Rides Baby Seats are a safe and easy way to transport multiple children long distances. Tired of children screaming from the back seat? Our patent pending baby seat technology allows the seats to be fitted to the roof any car or van, thereby eliminating all the fuss and mess of long vacations. Simply latch the plastic fitting to the top of the car…