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So I gave this thing a fair shot. I’ll admit the style of music is not my bag – I’m a classic rock, 90s indie, east coast hip hop guy. The EDM/dance pop stuff sounds like noise to me. Not just noise but grating, soul destroying noise. EDM is musical Chernobyl. It can’t be played in Guantanamo due to the Geneva Convention. It has been proven to cause colon cancer in lab mice.  Al Gore cries about it because he knows it’s ruining our environment for future generations. Ice caps commit suicide and melt when they hear this music. Nonetheless…

Ascension Millenium

The weird intro reminds me of a Redman album. Deep monster voice: “Yo Redman wake up, here’s a blunt, time for a new album.” But sadly no – it’s Corey Feldman. As much as I hate dance music, I think I can fairly judge a song’s basic musical competence. And this is bad. It’s a mess – there’s no hook aside from Corey repeating the title phrase (which means what?) and the sound itself is muddled. I think this is supposed to be a concept album. But then wouldn’t the ascension happen at the end? Like you introduce a character, go through some struggle and adveristy, then reach a resolution. Actually I think Corey just believes this is his big single and he’s trying to frontload the album with the “hits.” Pass.

Lovin Lies

This song has the most awkward, irregular sense of rhythm I’ve ever heard in recorded music. It reminds me of The Shaggs’ “Philosophy Of The World.” You’d think that one of the appeals of electronic music is that it frees the musician from the pesky trouble of keeping rhythm. You can just program the drumbeats or drop the riffs in with a click of the mouse. Corey and his producers didn’t correct the latency or something in the Feldmansion studio, so all the overdubs are off beat. And off key. There’s one egregiously bad bit where his tone deaf vocal is run through an autotune effect. Autotune loses.

Angelic 2 the Core

Corey Feldman has a thing called “Corey’s Angels.” That’s almost a clever conceit for a backing band but it’s much worse: it’s a real thing. He actually has a quasi-management company for beautiful women that’s at best an off brand Playboy bunny rip off; at worst, the terms of the contract (“Angels must discover and nurture a talent…Angels must keep the office clean”) are comparable to human trafficking. Nonetheless – I don’t think Corey Feldman is a bad guy. His delusions are relatively harmless, and I doubt he’s training an army of bargain bunnies to commit acts of terror, all music aside. The women involved surely know what they’re getting into, and in fact they’re probably more savvy about the whole thing than he is.

This song starts with a “Theme from Shaft” rip off guitar with Corey issuing out dancing orders to his Angels. The bit goes nowhere. Corey doesn’t have the wit to carry it off. Kool Keith could make this work and he’d add in some weird sexual stuff to keep it interesting. Then another dance song starts and I turned it right off.

4 Bid in Attraction (feat Kaya Jones)

I like the stereo separation of the vocals in the verse part. But all these songs are so poorly constructed, different riffs and hooks haphazardly jammed together. It’s like a Burroughs & Gysin experiment to see if the universe could sustain the absolute worst music possible. Some horrid, depraved bar in Interzone is blasting this album right now.

Crossed The Line (Remixx 1.6) (feat I’m not typing out all those names)

I guess this is a pretty good hook. I can imagine hearing it walking by a designer jeans store in the mall. And that’s pretty much all it is. So it’s like standing in front of that store. For a couple minutes.

Bad People

This is pure Corey. You can just tell – it has that faux Michael Jackson white funk groove where you can picture him doing his ballet funk dance to it at a minor league baseball game. The title is just a metaphor – “bad people, you see them everyday.” Get it? Well, maybe it’s not a metaphor, but it’s pretty damn insightful, no?

Duh!

I like the keyboard bassline on this one. Not that it’s good. It sounds like a marginally competent attempt to copy an early 2000s Eminem novelty song. But again here comes the chorus and for crissakes. Who enjoys this? Can you imagine someone blasting this album in a car? I guess it wouldn’t be that surprising now that trolling has become a national pastime. But it wouldn’t even be funny – you’d just say, “Hey somebody thinks it’s funny to drive around blasting Corey Feldman’s music.” That’s how flat it is.

Everybody (feat Doc Ice)

Poorly mixed jazz guitar features prominently in this horribly trite pop song. This album is fucking ponderous.

Lickety Splikety (feat Kurupt)

Kurupt – we now have a link between Corey Feldman’s Angelic 2 the Core and 2Pac’s All Eyez On Me. “Got My Mind Made Up” on that album featured Kurupt, Method Man and Redman (and originally Inspectah Deck) at a time when east coast/west coast tensions were the talk of the media. “Got My Mind Made Up” was Pac showing love the the east coast and the Wu. Recall as well that some of the Wu didn’t care much for Biggie – Meth did, but Ghostface and Raekwon dissed him on Cuban Linx. On that note, what about 2Pac’s “Holla At Me”? That song could be interpreted as an olive branch to Biggie, or at least Pac showing a dark sort of sympathy for Biggie’s supposed involvement with the shooters in the Quad Studios robbery. That is, Pac’s recognizing him as a pawn in a bigger game (“And now you let the fear put your ass in a place complicated to escape/It’s a fool’s fate”). Still vitriolic, but there’s an element of understanding and perhaps the end of the feud. Because we know that had they survived they would have worked & built together. Still All Eyez On Me evokes such a dark atmosphere, far more than any other “gangster rap” album. It’s about the emotions underneath – the anger, deceit, confusion, resentment. And yet there’s still something celebratory and life affirming about it. That’s 2Pac for you. Also: “Lickety Splikety” stinks.

Go 4 It (feat Snoop Dogg)

The infamous song responsible for the Today Show Massacre that kids will read about in history books. Snoop is game for anything. Who needs a guest verse? Isis, Donald Trump, Macklemore? He’s got you.

Test 1

A track so forgettable that they didn’t bother to name it. Some guest rappers add some shitty Linkin Park flows. They make Corey sound competent.

Seamless (feat Fred Durst)

Because of course Fred Durst is on this album.

Wanna Break Free

Pretty good house band neo soul funk groove. It sounds like an open mic night so empty that one of the waiters jumps up to scat out some tunes. You’d walk by this bar and see that and say, “Nah, let’s go to that Mexican place on the corner.”

Negativity

More Feldman funk. More atonal vocals. More disparate sections mashed together. More trite lyrics. I think I’m gonna tap out on this album.

Ya Got Me

These songs all SOUND THE FUCKING SAME. A “funky” dance beat verse section with Corey yapping out nonsense, then a chantalong chorus that’s supposed to be inspiring but just grates. Oddly enough, the album reminds me a little of Chinese Democracy. Even if it wasn’t the disaster some people were expecting, something about that album was too constructed, it didn’t feel organic. Of course Axl can write a good song, or at least part of one.

Baby Blue Eyes

The same house band from “Wanna Break Free.” The same empty bar. It’s now after ten. There’s one old couple having drinks in the corner. They walk out halfway through the song.

4 My Love

Fuck this shit. Skip.

We Wanted Change

This is different. It’s bad, but it’s different. A garage lounge pop song, poorly played and recorded. An annoying hook – “We-e-e-e were together, we-e-e-e wanted change.” But you know what? I like this song. It’s awful and weird but it works.

Take A Stand

A timely, poignant ballad about the Iraq War. You want to at least admire Corey’s sincerity. But this song feels so self-centered, with lots of “I’m looking out my window…” type lyrics. I don’t know, he’s trying I guess. And the song’s not hurting anybody. Unlike that Fred Durst song which destroys an acre of rainforest every time it’s played.

Remember 222 (Corey’s Song)

Tribute to the other Corey. Soundbites from old movies and a chorus “We were the two Coreys!” because why be subtle?

Mercy (feat B Howard)

Working Class Hero

Once again this John Lennon classic gets hauled out for another cover version that likely misses its point. It’s like Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” – enough already.

 

There you go. I gave it an honest listen. I know Corey Feldman tried his best and he wants to be a professional musician. He’s not trolling. He put a fair amount of work into this and he believes in it. I know it takes guts to put your art out there and have it critiqued, harshly. But this is not good music. The Goonies was good. This is not. Sorry pal.

a message for Corey Feldman:

 

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